Zoe Bess: A Birth Story
- Macy Hill
- Jul 12, 2019
- 11 min read
I spent nine months carrying her inside of me, and the whole time I wondered how her birth would go. Would I be strong enough to have the unmedicated natural birth I wanted? Would she have lots of hair? When would she decide to come and meet us here in the outside world. Well, let me tell you how it went.
For a few weeks I had thought Zoe was sticking her little bum out on one side of my belly or the other. It was not painful, but I did have to catch my breath for a minute whenever she did one of her "tricks". Turns out these were Braxton-Hicks contractions. I had no idea until I commented to the midwife about how she liked to poke out sometimes. I said, "Oh look, it's happening now." That is when she informed me that I was indeed having some contractions. I was happy to know that my body was practicing for her arrival. She told me my body knew exactly what to do and I fully believed that. I knew God gave me the ability not only to carry her safely but to deliver and nourish her as well. He has designed everything to work beautifully together.
On June 10th at thirty-nine weeks and four days I woke up to a small gush in the middle of the night. I thought that my water may have broken so I called the midwife and she said to walk around for about an hour to see if any more liquid came out. Jamie and I walked around on that warm summer night at one in the morning. It was uneventful until we met a drunk lady by the dumpster and had a pretty interesting conversation. We went back to bed and waited to see the midwife in the morning. I was not having any contractions and they needed to check to see if my waters had indeed broken or not. After quite a few tests it was determined that the amniotic sac was still in tact and she was not ready to come yet.
I went to town with my Mom on June 12th at one in the afternoon to get some groceries. At this point I no longer walked but waddled instead. Walking and doing anything was pretty tough at this point, but I wanted to stay active until Zoe arrived so I made myself get out every day. Mom noticed that I was having to stop and take a break about every twenty minutes or so and she told me she thought I was going to have her very soon. I was in denial that these were real contractions. They were not really causing me much pain and I didn't want to get too excited. I did notice that they were picking up in frequency to about every ten to fifteen minutes. When I got home I decided to try to stop the contractions. If these were the real deal then there would be nothing I could do to stop them from coming. I took a hot shower and laid very still in bed. They didn't stop. I began to time them and I texted Jamie to tell him that I think I had started early labor and I would keep him posted. It was about three in the afternoon and I noticed that the contractions were definitely rhythmic and started to grow stronger with time. They felt like mild period cramps at around five o'clock and it started to feel annoying. I ate dinner and it was hard for me to have a conversation because I needed to focus to get through each contraction. We decided to call the midwife around seven o'clock and let them know what was happening. They said that I should come in when they were around five minutes apart.
Sleeping became impossible around midnight and the pain was pretty intense. I needed to squeeze Jamie's hand and have support to get through each contraction. At one in the morning they were coming every five minutes and we decided to drive to Baby + Co. The birth center was thirty minutes away and riding in the car with contractions was not fun at all. Kathleen met us at the door and decided to see how far I had progressed. Unfortunately I was only dilated one centimeter! She suggested that we go home and try to sleep as much as we could and to call back when my contractions were three minutes apart. She also said I could take some Benadryl to help me relax. We got home and I used my shower several times to ease the pain. I managed to get a tiny bit of sleep in between contractions, but I had started to have to moan through each wave now. I felt so bad for my poor Mom who was staying with us. She could hear me in pain all night and now that I am a Mom myself I know how hard that can be. Contractions were three minutes apart and I knew I was not coping well. I had started to moan and scream in a high pitch. When you are vocalizing through contractions you need to keep your voice low and deep and I was having trouble doing that. We called the midwife and Alys could hear me scream while Jamie told her how far apart my contractions were. Alys told us to go ahead and come to the birth center. The car ride this time was almost unbearable. Jamie played our worship playlist and I started to cry. It helped me to focus on the words and to remember that God was in control, He loved me, and He was going to give me the strength to do this.
Alys checked my progress when we arrived and she asked me if I wanted to know how far along I was. I told her I did and she told me I was now at five centimeters! I said, "Thank God" and I started to cry again. For hours I had just wanted to get in the giant warm tub in the birthing suite! They admitted me and led me to birthing room number four. I was asked if I needed to use the bathroom, and I said that I did. Just as I was walking to the toilet a contraction came and I laid against the dresser. Warm liquid started coming out and I immediately apologized thinking I had peed everywhere! I moved on to the toilet, but they tested the liquid and told me my water had actually just broken. They filled the tub up nice and high with warm water and I labored in there for a while. It felt so amazing and I knew why they called it the "midwife's epidural".
I was coping well until something started to feel different. At the height of each contraction I started feeling the urge to push. My midwife could tell just by how I sounded and told me they needed to check my progress. She discovered that I was not fully dilated yet and the bag of waters was starting to bulge. She told me to not push yet because it would just make me tired and I could possibly bruise my cervix. I needed to breathe through the urge to push. This is when everything got extremely difficult! My body wanted to push so badly and fighting that urge was next to impossible. She suggested breaking my waters again to see if labor would progress quicker and I agreed. I laid on my back while on the bed and at my next contraction she broke the bag. Things started to become way more intense. I felt like I was starting to lose control and I had to rely heavily on Jamie and the care team's support to get through the next couple of hours. At one point I unknowingly started to strangle Jamie while I was having a contraction because my arms were around his neck and I was squeezing. He was one amazing Daddy doula!
I began to feel more exhausted than I ever have in my life. It felt like my body was about to give out on me. Transition is the hardest and shortest part of labor. When you feel like you can't do it anymore that is when you can be sure that baby will arrive very soon! I had been holding onto the bars and doing my best to breathe through the pushing while I held a mask to my face that was flowing with nitrous oxide. I just wanted comfort and I felt like I couldn't stand anymore so I asked to get back into the tub. The wait for the tub to fill up felt like an eternity and I fell onto Jamie as I continued to labor. The midwife and her assistants helped me into the tub again and I had a few more contractions when Alys decided to check on progress again. I hadn't said anything but the last few times I had failed to fight against the pushing and had started to feel like she was entering the birthing canal. Alys checked me and told me baby would be here soon and she said I could push when I felt the urge! I was relieved and energized whenever I got the green light. Pushing felt like a relief and I started to scream with every push. I didn't necessarily scream because it was painful it was more like when you are working out and lifting something heavy....you just start to make noise. I felt her coming down, and Alys told me that she had a head full of hair. I couldn't believe that I was finally crowning, and I was so excited that I would be holding her soon. Around one in the afternoon with a few more pushes I started to feel little arms swinging around beneath the water, and with just a few more I heard, "Okay, reach down and catch your baby". Wow! I was so scared I'd drop her because I felt like all my energy had left, but I reached down and caught her!
I just started crying! I started talking to her and telling her how beautiful she was. I told her happy birthday and just admired my beautiful baby with her full head of dark hair....just like I dreamed she would have. Everyone helped us out of the tub and into the bed. I held her against my chest and Jamie laid near us and started to cry. We were just so amazed by her. As I held her the care team started to massage my belly to make my uterus contract. This was very painful and I was done with pain and done with everything at this point. My placenta still had to be delivered and it was taking too long to come away so they gave me a shot of Pitocin in my leg. Soon after that my placenta came away, and I thought I was done with everything. They told me I had a tear and they needed the head midwife, Margaret, to take a look and tell us how bad it was. They can only repair first and second degree tears at the center. Third and fourth degree tears would require a transfer to Vanderbilt. Margaret came to evaluate me and everything became so painful. Unfortunately, I had a third degree tear. They asked me if I wanted to be taken by an ambulance or if I wanted to go in our vehicle. I felt so weak that I decided on an ambulance.
Jamie cut the cord and Zoe laid on my chest and began to nurse. After we had some skin to skin time she was weighed and measured. She was eight pounds and fourteen ounces and she was twenty and half inches long. This is when we found out that she was the thousandth baby born at Baby + Co! I had been keeping up with their countdown and couldn't believe that she was the lucky baby.
I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer I was so exhausted. I needed to go use the bathroom and everyone asked if I needed help. I didn't think I did...I have a habit of doing that. After I came off of anesthesia while getting my wisdom teeth removed I was asked if I wanted a wheelchair. I said no, and then proceeded to fall down the hallway. This scenario went the same way. I started to make my way to the toilet when everyone noticed how weak I was and helped me anyway. Halfway there I started to lose my vision and hearing. I fainted and was moved to the bed again. Heather pulled the alarm and everyone came rushing into the room. I quickly had an IV and a catheter put in while someone else massaged my belly again. The pain was really starting to get to me and it hurt so bad to have the catheter inserted. I tried so hard to not scream and just breathe. Jamie held my hand and I just kept repeating "I can do this." very loudly. I had a clot come out and had started to bleed some more. They got me stable and called for the ambulance to come immediately.
Zoe and the midwife were both able to ride in the ambulance with me. Jamie would meet me later. Once I got to Vanderbilt I had to wait a few hours until surgery and I couldn't have any food. This made me so upset because I had not eaten in about twenty-four hours. I fell asleep waiting to go to surgery and once my spinal was in I fell asleep during surgery. I returned to the room and ate an amazing burger from Five Guys. I didn't even care that my meal was cold! We were able to be released the next day.
In the days that followed I was a bit ashamed of myself for not coping well the entire time as I labored. I thought that I would have a more peaceful birth, and I didn't want to scream. I had wanted to bring her into the world as calmly as possible, and the fact that I didn't had sort of made me feel like a failure. The entire time the midwives and Jamie kept telling me how strong I was and that I was doing an amazing job but I didn't feel that way. When I would go to bed at night for a few nights it was hard for me to sleep because what happened directly after the birth kept replaying in my mind and I could feel the pain again. It was hard, but I made sure that I didn't keep it to myself and Jamie was a good listener. He kept telling me how proud he was of me and that I did a great job. A few days later I was able to access the labor and delivery notes. Alys had repeatedly written "coping well". Seeing that in the notes gave me a new perspective and removed the shame I had put on myself. I did do a good job, and I bravely brought my daughter into this world. It's okay that I didn't do it as calmly as I had thought. Looking back on it, labor and the birth really weren't that hard! It was an incredible lesson in giving into the waves that washed over me and letting them do their work. It was a beautiful lesson in surrender as I became a Mother. I wouldn't change anything about my experience.....okay, maybe the tear (haha). Really though, it was amazing and I'll do it all over again the same way if I'm able to again. I think the way that we give birth matters. Women should be able to feel in control of their birth, and they should be able to do it the way they want to if they can safely. This experience empowered me like nothing else ever had. I not only gave birth to Zoe, but I gave birth to myself as a Mother. It changed me and made me so much stronger. I am able to surrender. I am able to do hard things. I am strong. I am able to do what I need to do for my baby. I can learn as I am doing. Baby and I will work together. These are the things that her birth taught me, and it is a memory I will cherish forever.
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