The Fourth Trimester : Embracing a New Normal
- Macy Hill
- Dec 15, 2019
- 7 min read
It's hard to believe that our little Zoe is six months now. A little over a year ago I saw a second line on a pregnancy test. So much has changed since she has entered our lives. There have been many smiles, laughs, and tears these past six months as we've entered the world of parenthood. Zoe and I have learned so many things together like breastfeeding, when to sleep, and when to play. I'm learning her language and cues while she is figuring out the people and objects around her. I've changed and am changing just as much as she is.
I want to start from the beginning and go over the crazy time which is appropriately dubbed the fourth trimester. The fourth trimester is a crazy time of transition from womb to world. It's a time when baby needs to feel close to you because this is the first time she has not felt your constant warmth or heard the beat of your heart. It is such a hard adjustment for Mama and baby and should be eased into and appreciated. There are definitely things that I hope to do differently during this sensitive time with our next child. It was hard and so many things came as a shock to me even though I thought I was well prepared.
Recovery from her birth was long and slow due to receiving a third degree tear. I was put on heavy painkillers and was very out of it for a few weeks until I ran out. Thankfully they convinced me not to get a refill and to try ibuprofen and Tylenol instead. I hadn't realized how loopy they were making me until I stopped taking them. The days after I was released from the hospital for my repair were a whirlwind of confusion, sleep deprivation, and lots of driving. I had envisioned staying in bed the first two or three weeks while I enjoyed my blissful little baby and breastfed with no problem. Ha! That totally didn't happen... I will go into more detail about our rocky breastfeeding journey in another post but Zoe was not eating well and she was losing a lot of weight. We had to feed her expressed milk with a syringe until we found someone who could help. I had to go to an appointment every day during the first week and several more during the second week. It was extremely painful and exhausting to drive an hour or so to see specialists and doctors. Once we got Zoe back to breastfeeding it made me happy but also extremely overwhelmed. I knew I needed to feed her every two hours until she was back to birth weight but she was taking an hour to nurse and that didn't leave me much time to eat or shower or feel like a regular person until the next nursing session arrived. That was new to me and will be so much easier to accept next time. It took me a while to understand that everything with babies is a phase. Things might be hard but they won't last that way forever. I was not understanding that at first and the baby blues hit me really hard during the first month.
My Mom stayed with me for two weeks postpartum and my Mother in Law came for another week when my Mom had to leave. That was such a huge blessing to me. It gave me the chance to rest as much as I could in between appointments and to not have to worry about cooking or cleaning or basically anything else except feeding Zoe. Once they left I was in shambles because I literally could not do anything other than feed the baby and feed myself. Jamie would come home and nothing was done. I felt defeated and useless, but he reminded me that feeding her was my only job right now and that I was doing great. That was the most encouraging thing he could have ever said! He has been so supportive and he really is my biggest cheerleader.
Month two started to feel a bit more normal. I was still in a lot of pain and could not stand or walk for a long period of time, but Zoe was starting to eat more quickly and so I was able to have a longer stretch of time in between feedings. I managed to get her on a nice flexible routine and started to quickly learn when to put her down for a nap and began to teach her to sleep independently. For the first couple of weeks she slept in a co-sleeper in bed with us. This was very helpful because getting out of bed was so painful. I could simply sit up, grab her, feed her, and lay her back down. Once our parents left we transitioned her to her crib in the nursery at night to sleep. She did great, but still needed to be held a lot for naps during the day. The transition was slow and I let her cry for just a little while while she learned, but thankfully it did not take very long for her to start napping alone. I gave myself and her a lot of extra grace while doing this. When a nap didn't work out I would hold her and soak it in knowing that she wouldn't want to nap on me forever. I'd pray for her and thank God for the gift that she is. In the end her sound machine, sleep sack, and pacifier worked wonders! She started to cry less and I was soaking up all the cuddles with my precious rainbow!
I got an email inviting me to be a part of a new Mom's group that the birth center put together. It was eight weeks long and covered topics like self-care, nourishing your family, and dividing duties. I was very hesitant. The introvert in me told me that if I went the other Mama's would judge me or that I wouldn't have anything to contribute to the group, that friendships wouldn't form...etc..etc... Deep down, however, I knew I needed this. I needed to form a connection with women who were in the thick of it just like me. I needed other people that acknowledged how hard and scary this new Mom thing was. I needed to vent without fear of being shamed or judged. After I bought tickets I was relieved. That group saved me in so many ways. We all brought our babies into a room and formed a circle. It felt safe. It didn't matter if our babies were screaming, pooping, wanting the boob...whatever. We were all exhausted but completely overwhelmed yet in love with this new stage of life. We cried and smiled as we shared our birth stories. Many births went smoothly but some were scary and disappointing. Some of us were breastfeeding swimmingly and others were struggling after trying literally everything while trying to protect their own mental health. There was no judgment and we encouraged each other through the up's and down's. The best part is...we still do! Our eight weeks of "class" is over but we still have a group chat and get together when we can. I can't tell you how therapeutic it is to know I can talk to them whenever and about whatever I'm going through as a Mom. They are my people!
The third month started to feel more normal, but I was also still struggling with feeling like a failure. I was still recovering from my injury and attending physical therapy. It was so hard to keep up with all the things I was used to doing. I used to have a clean apartment, clean clothes put neatly away, and a great hearty meal ready every evening. Even though I knew Jamie was fine with things being different and me not being able to do as much I had trouble accepting that out of insecurity. I was driving myself nuts trying to do absolutely everything and thinking that the "things" I did made me a good wife, but they were breaking me down and causing me to yell and not act nicely when Jamie got home. I think we both kept brushing some issues to the side instead of addressing them but one day it came to a head and we fought. Fights suck but sometimes they're necessary in order to hit a breakthrough. I learned that Jamie truly didn't mind taking on more responsibility and that he would rather help me and ease the load than me run myself ragged and have a horrible attitude. In the end we both apologized and both thanked each other for so many things. I needed to know what things he would like on the short list and needed to give myself mental permission to not worry about the other things left undone because I was transitioning into this new life and finding my footing. We had to prioritize "us" time and let go of other commitments we usually had. It all worked out for the best and I'm glad we finally talked through what was bothering us. It's all just growing pains.
Each month has gotten a little easier and a little more fun. I've never really been a "newborn" kind of person so it's exciting for me to watch her grow and become more expressive. Next time around I hope that I won't have as much to recover from. I will force myself to rest for a few weeks instead of pushing myself to do things that aren't necessary. Whenever my next baby goes through really fussy times I'll remember that it's just a phase and better days are coming. I'll cherish how tiny and perfect my next baby is. The days really do pass so quickly and I think I'll soak that stage in just a little bit more than I did this time. You just really don't realize how quickly they are changing by the day! I'm so glad we've taken tons of pictures and videos of Zoe to look back on and remember those precious early days. When you are in those early days after giving birth time seems to go so slowly. Six months from then felt like it would have been years, but time has truly gone so fast. I don't think anything can totally prepare you for the fourth trimester, but give yourself the grace to get through it. Enjoy the extra snuggles when a nap falls through. If the house is a mess know that you still did the most important thing you could do that day...you kept your baby safe, warm, and fed. Find your tribe, find the ones that get it and are walking through the same season. Take care of yourself. Sometimes you need therapy, medication, or time off. It's impossible to pour from an empty cup. You will wonder if things will ever get back to normal. I hate to say it, but it won't ever be the way it was before. You will grow into a new normal and here's a little secret. You will love this normal way more than the old one! Lean in to the transition. Most of all, enjoy the journey. These are the days you hoped and prayed for and they really are so worth the trouble. A million times over they're worth it!
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