My Breastfeeding Journey: An Uphill Battle

Are you going to breastfeed? I got this question over and over when I was pregnant. My answer was always the same. I'm going to try. I really hope I can! At that time I really had no idea all that was involved in a nursing relationship, but I knew it was the best nourishment I could give my baby. I definitely doubted my ability to breastfeed because I knew a lot of people who tried and couldn't. In fact, my Mom experienced a very traumatic birth and with very little breastfeeding support she was unable to nurse. It definitely doesn't work out for everyone, and I'm a firm believer in "fed is best". There is no shame in choosing to formula feed your child even if it's just for the sake of saving your mental health. Mama's mental health is just as important as the nourishment of the child. I will never cast judgment on anyone who has chosen to or is unable to breastfeed. That being said I do believe that breastmilk is the perfect nourishment and I will always encourage my friends to "try" to nurse. I'm also darn proud of all I've overcome to breastfeed my child and so I don't mind sharing posts during #worldbreastfeeding week. This has offended some of my friends who feel as though I've attacked them for using formula, but honestly that never even crossed my mind. It's hard work and I'm proud of myself and wanted to celebrate.

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Most Mom's give up breastfeeding before the six week mark. I remember my childbirth educator saying that the number one reason women quit breastfeeding is lack of support. That really surprised me! Now that I've talked with lots of women who have tried and stopped I am realizing that it's true! Doctors in many of the hospitals where women give birth and pediatricians are not properly educated and give very bad advice to breastfeeding mothers. When the baby loses weight initially (which most babies do) they suggest supplementing with formula. When Mom's do this they notice that their supply has dropped and now they don't have enough milk for their baby. This is horrible advice since your breasts produce milk via supply and demand. If you are not removing the milk then the body thinks it does not need to produce more and therefore the supply drops until it eventually stops. They should be encouraging women to pump in order to get their supply up or give the baby expressed milk via syringe or spoon if baby is not latching on well in the beginning. This is just one example of many in which Mom's are given poor advice and no support and therefore stop breastfeeding. The first six weeks are hard, but I always encourage women to at least try for that long and then reassess. Breastfeeding became so much easier after that time had past. I think we often forget that it's a learning process for the both Mom and baby. The baby has to learn how to latch properly and has to develop the strength to drain the breasts well while you are learning how to position the baby and encourage a good latch. This takes time! Give yourself so much grace and find yourself an ICBLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) for guidance and instruction. Now that my little rant is over I'll tell you how it went for me.

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Before Zoe was born I had watched videos of freshly born infants doing what is called the "breast crawl". Babies were laid directly on their Mother's chests right after birth and after a few minutes literally started crawling towards the breasts until they eventually found the nipple. Babies instinctively do this. They can literally smell the milk and can crawl to find. it. The babies then latched on after a few attempts and started to eat. Oh! and this is important for the Mama too. Once the baby begins to breastfeed oxytocin is released. The oxytocin encourages the uterus to contract which causes the placenta to come out and helps the body to stop bleeding. The crawling motion of the baby on the belly also encourages this. I was so psyched to try it with Zoe! After I birthed her in the tub I was moved to the bed and they laid Zoe on my chest. After about fifteen minutes she crawled over to my nipple, latched on and began to eat. I was amazed. It is definitely an experience I'll never forget. I had no pain when she would nurse and I was thrilled that I wasn't having any issues. After I was transferred to the hospital a few hours later I was separated from her while I had surgery to repair my tear. That night I noticed that she would fall asleep quickly after starting to nurse. It continued like that the next day as well. She was going longer than she should between feedings and we tried everything to keep her awake but nothing was working. We soon found out that she was jaundiced which explained her extreme drowsiness. The best way to clear jaundice is by getting them to poop which means helping them to eat well. After going to the hospital's pediatrician a day after our release from the hospital I was told that I needed to give Zoe an ounce of formula after each feeding. I followed her advice without question because I was loopy on painkillers and forgot that my instructor had told our class that a newborns stomach can only hold one ounce of food. That night was terrible and heart wrenching. We had given Zoe formula that day with a bottle. I hadn't checked to ensure the nipple was a slow flow and so she had terrible gas and pain due to the excess air and the stretching of her tiny stomach. She absolutely refused to nurse. The screams made her little voice hoarse and we got zero sleep that night We didn't know what to do or what was wrong so we decided to call the midwife. She educated us on the size of Zoe's stomach and encouraged us not to use a bottle until she was a little older. She advised us to feed Zoe expressed breastmilk with a syringe and told us to stop by their free breastfeeding clinic the next day. This was amazing advice because it ensured that my supply did not drop and Zoe was fed even though she was not nursing. Feeding her with a syringe while she sucked on one of our fingers helped her not to get excess air while she ate which prevented painful gas.

We went to the clinic and I tried to latch Zoe on using a few techniques that I was shown but she wasn't able to. The instructor recommended that I see Kate Cropp, a local IBCLC. I syringe fed Zoe until our appointment. Kate asked me some questions and then performed a quick oral exam. She noticed that Zoe had a very high bubble palate, some head molding from the birth, and both a tongue and lip tie. Because Zoe's palate was so high in her mouth my nipple was not reaching it and so it was not registering for her to begin sucking. Kate said that her palate could come down in time but for now we could try a thin piece of shaped silicone called a nipple shield. The nipple shield's edge could reach the top of her palate. She handed me one to try. Zoe immediately began eating. After weighing her we discovered that she had quickly ate three ounces of milk! Zoe was very calm and quite literally "milk drunk" at the end of the appointment. I was so relieved that we had found a temporary solution. Kate told me to use the nipple shield until she got back up to her birth weight and then we could try to wean Zoe off of the shield.

(Zoe being milk drunk for the first time at the IBCLC's office)

The first few weeks of nursing were very hard and eye opening. Until she reached birth weight I needed to feed her every two hours during the day and not go longer than four hours between feedings at night. Her feeding lasted about an hour since she was learning how to use her facial muscles properly and so that left me only an hour in between to get a shower or eat or take care of things. I was very overwhelmed by this at first but will be so much more prepared to just relax and enjoy the slow pace next time around. Eventually she got back up to birth weight and began to eat more efficiently which cut her feeding time down quite a bit. I was able to feed her on demand and have a little more time in between feedings and could allow her to wake up naturally to eat at night. I had an over supply of milk and was having to pump in order to avoid plugged ducts. Kate advised me to slowly wean off of the pumping since I had a big enough freezer stash and desired to not have to pump at all.

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I began the slow process and thought everything was going well until I noticed a dull ache whenever I lifted my left arm. I though that I had maybe pulled a muscle. It started to ache when I wasn't moving at all and so I decided to take a hot shower, use some Epsom salts, and lie down. When I woke up I had chills and a fever. I called my midwife and she confirmed my fears telling me that I had developed mastitis. Mastitis is an infection caused by a plugged milk duct. A red, wedge shaped mark had formed on my breast and it was hot to the touch. In a matter of a few hours I had gone from feeling completely fine to feeling like I had the flu. After I got off of the phone with the midwife I remember walking into the living room and just had a full on meltdown in front of my husband and Mother in Law. Formula just seemed like the much easier choice and I almost gave up on breastfeeding. Jamie would have supported me no matter what I decided to do but he reminded me that things had started to get better and that once this sickness was over it would get better again. Pure stubbornness to give up is what has kept me going through setback after setback. To clear the duct I had to continue nursing often and pumping after each feeding. It hurt very badly every time I nursed and pumped. Jamie had to get me a rag to bite down on each time I fed Zoe. It was horrible! Nothing I did was unplugging the clog. I massaged my breast in the shower, used a castor oil compress, and continued pumping. My midwife called in an antibiotic and after a few days my fever had left but the duct was still clogged. Kate recommended a therapeutic ultrasound to break up the clog. I had two sessions of this and it was the only thing that finally worked. My left breast is still damaged from the mastitis and does not produce as much milk as my right breast. After weaning off of the breast pump it was time to wean Zoe off of the nipple shield. I took Zoe to see Kate again and we found out her palate had significantly come down and her head molding was gone. After slowly weaning Zoe off of the nipple shield I noticed that her feeding were quicker and she was getting more milk which helped her to sleep.

(Trying to stay positive even though I was dealing with mastitis)

I enjoyed a no-hassle blissful month of breastfeeding before more problems arose. Zoe began to scream every time I laid her down in a position to begin nursing and I noticed that she was having a lot of reflux. This was a huge mental struggle for me because once again we were struggling. "Isn't this supposed to be natural?", I thought to myself. Everyone told me I would master this one day and it would be so much easier. I was having a hard time believing them. Her constant screams felt like someone took a cheese grater to my brain. My pediatrician suggested giving up dairy and suggested that I give Zoe a probiotic to help with reflux. Dairy is my best friend and I had enough on my plate; I really didn't want to have to change my diet in the middle of everything else I was dealing with. It was time to visit my breastfeeding savior again, Kate. She said that all babies' reflux is at its worst around three months and diminishes by six months. I asked her about the dairy free suggestion and she said that from her experience it usually isn't dairy that is causing issues with breastfeeding. She examined Zoe's tongue and lip ties again and said that she had a class four posterior tongue tie with a class three lip tie. After performing a few exercises with Zoe she noticed that her neck strength was weak and she was preferring one side over the other. She suggested occupational therapy, body work, craniosacral therapy, and chiropractic care to strengthen Zoe's neck and jaw. Kate mentioned that she may be in pain and that is why she may start screaming when being positioned to nurse. Because of her ties she also ingests more air than she should which can contribute to painful digestion issues and reflux. A frenectomy was discussed but we ultimately decided to try the things she mentioned before subjecting her to surgery. We were drowning in medical expenses at this point and my insurance did not cover any of the therapy's that Kate suggested so I did exercises with her at home. Tummy time, rollios, oral exercise, and sit ups seemed to help her a lot at first. I found an amazing infant chiropractor to adjust Zoe and very soon after our first visit I noticed that her reflux had diminished. Zoe became more regular, and she was nursing like normal again.

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I decided to start taking the mini-pill five months postpartum. This type of hormonal birth control is supposed to not affect milk supply, but I'm one of those unlucky people that received a major tank in supply! I had no idea ,but noticed that Zoe would only nurse three minutes at each feeding and immediately would start screaming. Oh boy, here we go again! She also wasn't taking bottles of previously frozen milk and I was leaving her over night a month from then. I had to figure this out. As soon as I told Kate that I was on the mini- pill she told me to get off of it and to begin pumping after every feed. She also asked me if my frozen breastmilk had a metallic or soapy taste. Come to find out my milk contained a high level of an enzyme called lipase. I'd have to donate one hundred and eighty ounces that I could no longer use and build that stash again. I pumped after every feed for about a month to build my supply up again and I had to scald my milk before freezing it to ensure that the excess lipase was inactivated. This process preserved the taste of the milk and Zoe began to take a bottle again. I was basically home ridden for a month because I would have a battle getting Zoe to nurse every session usually taking thirty minutes to do so. After nursing I would have to pump for twenty minutes and wash all of the parts. Before going to bed I would sterilize the parts and scald the milk before storing it in the freezer. It was a lot of work and I felt very isolated that month but slowly Zoe began to nurse normally yet again. I kept telling myself that I was so close to my first goal of nursing her for six months. Every night I would write something encouraging or a cool breastmilk fact on the milk bags. I needed to remember the reasons I kept putting myself through the endless hassle of breastfeeding.

I have been breastfeeding for six and a half months and my new goal of one year seems attainable. To say the least its been.....HARD! I have not enjoyed sweet bliss from a baby that loves the boob. She has seemed to hate nursing which has made me feel as if she didn't like me. That was an irrational thought but that's just what postpartum hormones do to a Mama. I've felt isolated every time I've had to excuse myself at gatherings so I could nurse. Zoe has never nursed well in public. She gets too distracted and also doesn't appreciate nursing covers of any kind. Breastfeeding has also been empowering and wonderful. I'm amazed at every weigh in because I've been her sole nourishment for half a year. God designed womens bodies in such an incredible way! My saving grace at the end of every day is nursing her to sleep. She looks so peaceful as I hold her against my chest. I always hold her an extra few minutes before putting her to bed. I use those moments to pray for her, to study her features, and to remember the reasons I go through the highs and lows of this journey. If it is at all possible then I will give my baby the best I can offer.

Breastfeeding is a sacrificial outpouring of a Mothers love. Her body continues to not be her own for the duration of her time nursing. She has to wear certain clothes so that her boobs are easily accessible at all times. She has to excuse herself from family events to meet the needs of her baby. She can never get a break from sleeping at night because any time the baby has a bottle she has to pump more milk to maintain a proper supply. She deals with smelling like sour milk and puts up with sore nipples. She sleeps on her back and side to prevent clogged ducts even though she has wanted to sleep on her stomach since she was pregnant. In the end she still persists. She's giving her baby the perfect food and with it comes a lower risk of SIDS, cancer, and diabetes. She's keeping her baby from getting sick by passing on antibodies to her baby through liquid gold. She is giving her baby the gift of a healthy start in life. I wouldn't trade the gift of breastfeeding my own baby for anything. It's been one heck of a ride though. I hope that this realistic portrayal of a difficult breastfeeding journey can be an encouragement to the struggling Mama that is trying her best. I don't know who you are but I want you to know that you are amazing and you can totally do this! Keep up the good work!