For the Child I've Never Met: My Miscarriage Story
- Macy Hill
- Jan 12, 2019
- 7 min read
Updated: Feb 5, 2020
We had just moved halfway across the country. Our boxes were unpacked, the summer was heating up, and life felt fresh with hope. There was a lot of excitement as we settled into our new apartment here in Nashville. Jamie had just gotten a new job that he loved and I was closer to my family than I had been in years. Our hearts were almost full. There was still a little something missing. We so badly wanted a baby of our own, and after half a year of trying I was beginning to think that maybe something was wrong. After having months of disappointments I didn't get my hopes up when I was a few days late. After all, my life had changed drastically and the stress was probably just messing with my cycle. My birthday came and right before bed I asked God to give me my baby. What better gift could I get? The next morning I shuffled to the bathroom, took two tests, and set the timer. When I looked at them again I saw something I had never seen before. There were two lines! I started to tremble as I realized that I finally had what I had been praying for. I was finally a Mommy! The next morning I got up before Jamie and placed the positive test on his nightstand. I woke him up and asked him to tell me the time. He groggily picked up the test and said, "Are you serious?". He was SO excited! Pretty soon I was actually feeling pregnant. The fatigue, nausea, and heightened sense of smell overtook my body. The excitement turned to fear as I started worrying that I would go through what my own Mother had to go through before I came along. I was scared I was going to lose this baby. The lines on my pregnancy tests were not getting darker, and I still had a week to go until I could get an ultrasound. I did my best to leave it in God's hands, and tried to carry on even though I had such an ominous feeling in the back of my mind.
We decided to surprise my Mother in Law. I wore a shirt that said "Mama Bear" and I bought bandanas for our dogs that said "big brother". His Mom completely lost it when we showed up on her porch unannounced, and when she read my shirt she literally started to scream with joy! I was so excited to go to Louisiana and surprise my parents next. A few days later Jamie and I went to the movies. Halfway through the movie I started to feel a small sharp pain in my abdomen, but I dismissed it as normal growing pains. When I got home I went to the bathroom, and noticed that the toilet paper was pink. My heart sank but I still kept my hopes up because bleeding can be completely normal early on. My midwife told me what to look out for, but that everything seemed okay right now and I should go to bed early and rest my body. At midnight I was awoken with sharp stabbing pains, and a lot of blood. I knew that I was losing my baby. The gravity of the situation took a while to set in. I woke Jamie up, and told him what I suspected. He held me, and I began to cry. I didn't want to accept the truth and held on to the hope that my baby was still okay. The next morning I walked into the birth center very calmly...trying to keep it together. The bleeding was even worse now, and I was starting to feel faint. My midwife wanted to take some blood to check on my hCG levels and to type my blood. She sat down and told me what I didn't want to hear. She told me that I was indeed miscarrying and she offered her sympathy. I looked at her blankly as numbness washed over my whole being. I finally had to accept that my child, my gift, my joy would never be born. She took me by the hand and I noticed that she was beginning to tear up. She told me that I was strong. I finally allowed my tears to fall, and I let down my wall. I didn't feel strong at all. I felt hollow and worthless. She then explained how she had lost her baby just a few weeks prior. I suddenly felt a kinship with her. She was such a blessing to me, and she would call every now and then in the days that followed to make sure I was okay. I will forever be grateful for her kindness. There was nothing I could have done to stop my loss from happening, and unfortunately one in four Mamas will lose their little ones. I bled for a week after finding out my baby was gone. It was emotionally excruciating and painful. I sobbed every time I had to go to the bathroom, and every time I saw blood.
Jamie would come home and just hold me. We didn't have many words to use, but just being there for each other was what we both needed. He sent out text to those that knew I was pregnant. I couldn't bear to tell anyone. Family and friends reached out with sympathy, but it was hard to send responses. I lost my baby very early on, but I had still envisioned an entire future for my baby when I saw that second pink line. All of the sudden that future was gone and I didn't know how to cope. About a week after my miscarriage I decided to write a facebook post. I wanted to announce that we had lost our baby. It took me a while to make that choice because I didn't want anyone to think that I was simply begging for sympathy or attention. That was not the case at all. In fact I wanted to crawl inside a hole and never show my face again. As I began to think about announcing the news I realized that I didn't want my baby to be some secret that I swept under the rug. I cherished and loved my child, and wanted to honor them by acknowledging and announcing their existence. I also wanted people to understand why I didn't seem to be myself all of the sudden. Unfortunately, I've never been able to hide my emotions very well. After I clicked the post button on Facebook that evening I started receiving so many messages. I was so surprised to hear from friends that had lost their little ones. I had no idea they had gone through the same thing as me. The most encouraging sympathies I received came from those that had gone through losses themselves. Although I was thankful for anyone who was there for me it always means more when you know someone else has felt the same thing as you. Hearing their stories made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that is exactly what I needed.
The months that followed were the darkest I have ever faced. I had to repeatedly take breaks from social media because it seemed like everyone around me was getting their baby. It was even harder to see people that had conceived at the same time as me. I couldn't bear to look at their growing bumps and then realize that I didn't have one. It was hard to see families with little ones. I hated myself for not being able to handle those things. I loved my pregnant friends, and I loved that families around me were happy. I would have done anything not to feel as though I had been stabbed every time I saw anything baby related. My heart was utterly broken and I felt as if my body had failed my baby. I blamed myself even though it wasn't my fault. Through it all I knew that my Jesus was good in every season and every trial. I knew He was faithful. I knew He understood my grief and was touched with my sorrow. I don't know how I would have ever gotten through this phase of my life without Him. Any time I hear the song "Carried to the Table" I can't help but cry when it says, "and I don't see my brokenness anymore, when I'm carried to the table of the Lord". My Jesus didn't see me as broken because He healed me. He didn't see my sinful emotions because He sees Jesus' righteousness instead. I prayed for joy and I prayed for God to take the bitterness away. Even though I didn't do a great job I put on a good face around happy families and pregnant friends. I would cry in private later. I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
Time really does make grief sting less, but we all come to realize that it will never go away. It is a burden we will carry with us our whole life, and it becomes a part of who we are. Joining support groups, reading other's stories, and helping other grieving Mamas has helped me to heal. I chose to have a necklace made with the due date that my baby would have had as a way to honor them. I wanted to acknowledge them even though they didn't have a grave.
If you are reading this because you feel alone and broken I hope that you feel a little better knowing that others have experienced this too. Reach out and get help because you do not have to go through this alone. Give yourself grace and avoid the things that sting for as long as you need to. Don't hate yourself for the sudden emotions that overtake your spirit when you didn't want them to. Acknowledge them and then push them away. They aren't you they are simply your grief. One day you will be happy for everyone again. You will be able to say "congratulations' without hurting inside. You will heal. I will always be there to talk to anyone that is dealing with this kind of loss and grief. Please don't hesitate to message me if you need someone to talk to.
Little one, I will always love you. Mommy will have other babies, but I will never forget that you made me a Mommy first. You are so loved and cherished, and I was honored to carry you for as long as I could.
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