Life after the Storm: My Rainbow Baby
- Macy Hill
- Jan 12, 2019
- 5 min read
Updated: Feb 5, 2020
It was three months after my miscarriage. Jamie and I had decided that we would try again as soon as we could. After all, my midwife had told me that you are highly fertile the first few months after a loss. My Mother in Law took us all on a Disney cruise on September first. This opportunity was so exciting to me, and I just wanted to soak in getting away from my thoughts for a while. I was a few days late for my period, but it came along just as we were boarding the cruise ship. Ahhh perfect timing! I enjoyed myself so much in spite of this and just tried to forget about everything I had gone through just a few months ago. When I came back home I was so refreshed, and I finally had a positive outlook on trying to conceive again. I remember calling Jamie on his lunch break and explaining that I was having such a great day. It was the first day in months that I was just happy and hadn't thought about the loss. Life just felt like it was changing...in a good way.
A few weeks later I took my dogs on a car ride so that we could visit a potential sitter for them. I caught myself being easily irritated, and I was exhausted even though I had a late start to a lazy Saturday. When I came back home I asked Jamie to rub my lower back. I often have pain in my tailbone so I didn't think much of it. We decided to go have some sushi, and I'm really glad we did because I was about to abstain from the delicacy for 8 months, but of course I still didn't know that.
I woke up early on Sunday and decided to grab a quick shower, but first I thought that I should just try to take a pregnancy test and just see what happened. I wouldn't be too disappointed if it was negative because it was still pretty early to even take a test. After I did the deed I put the test on the counter and took my shower. When I came out I hurried over to the test and was really confused. Wait....is that a...is this thing positive? I had bought the blue dye test and so it was pretty faint, but I was definitely seeing something. Now for any of you who have spent a while trying to conceive you know you just don't buy the blue dye. They are super hard to read and so you know that you need to spring for the more expensive first response early response or "FRER" as they are commonly called in the "TTC" forums you frequent. Anyway, I just kind of popped my head into the bedroom and said, "Honey, I think I may have a positive test, but I'm really not sure. Can we stop by the store on our way home later so I can get a better one?" He was kind of confused and wasn't sure how to react, but he agreed.
We all know there is just something special about that first morning urine. It is a pregnancy test's best friend! On Monday morning at around 4am I was ready to take this test! I waited two minutes and looked down. Sure enough I didn't have to squint or look carefully this time. It was definitely positive! This time around was very different from the first time I got a positive. I was happy yet calm and still unsure about how things would turn out. Cautiously optimistic would best describe my demeanor that morning. I put the test next to Jamie's beard grooming kit since I knew he would surely see it while he was getting ready. He saw it and walked over to me with the biggest smile and just gave me a kiss. Like I said we just weren't as thrilled as we were four months ago, but we were very happy.
I called Baby and Company here in Nashville and explained that I was pregnant again. They were so excited for us, but also understood that I would want to take extra steps this time to know that all was well with baby. I decided to get blood draws that would tell me if my hCG levels were rising appropriately. The two tests showed that I was progressing normally and I was finally starting to get excited. I called and asked for a viability ultrasound. This is an early ultrasound that is usually done around six or seven weeks gestation. It gives everyone peace of mind because it can detect a heartbeat. I set up a countdown on my phone and checked it daily because I couldn't wait to see our jellybean! The day had finally come and I thought for sure I would cry, but instead I just stared at the screen wide eyed in amazement with a huge smile plastered to my face. There was a real baby in there AND there was something else. When you looked closely you could see a small flicker in baby's chest. That flicker of baby's tiny heart was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It meant that baby was alive!
I am now nineteen weeks into this beautiful pregnancy. The flutters in my tummy keep me smiling and bring sunshine to my heart even though I still get clouds above my head. Rainbow pregnancies are a little different than sunshine pregnancies. I still have days when I begin crying because I feel that I somehow do not deserve and will never be able to deliver a living child. Waiting for ultrasounds and heartbeat checks consume my headspace, and the relief from those things are short lived. It is at these times that I'm so thankful for the Mommas that reached out to me with support when I lost our first baby. They are still faithful to listen to me when I'm having a rough day and they never fail to point me to Jesus again. My God is sovereign and in my heart I know that His will is perfect. If he takes this child from me also I know it must be for a reason and I'll still love Him. On the hard days I have to choose joy and hope. I never want to miss out on a second of joy that this pregnancy gives me. Yes I have my moments where the fatigue and stretching of my body is out of control ,but I still find happiness in those things. I never want to complain about the hardships because I know what longing for the fatigue and nausea while walking around with an empty womb feels like. I never want to take any of this for granted. There is a miracle growing inside me and I will know their name in a few short days. I can't wait to see your face little one. You are so loved!
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